fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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