I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
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Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
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And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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