Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
