Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
