I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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