I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
