Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
