get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
