Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
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