Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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