What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
