My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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