She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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