i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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