i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
