He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
