Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
