Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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