He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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