ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
