is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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