So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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