I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
