i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
