I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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