I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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