my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
