goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.