Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
