True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
