I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
