I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
