It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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