FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
