Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
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everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
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I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I want a musical about memes.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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