did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
