I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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