Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
