I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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