I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
