Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
