He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
