Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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