My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
too bad you live with your parents still
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
You can't motorboat a personality
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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