you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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