He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
