She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
babies were throwing up all over the place
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
