speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
