Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
