I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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