Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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