Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
