Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
