i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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