I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
