The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
