I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
