Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
