It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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