You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
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i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
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Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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