Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
