listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
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I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
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First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
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