we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
