theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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