Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
